HOW IT USED TO BE

Herman got his wedding invitation just fine and arrived about a week before the big day. I was glad of that because I had time to talk him out of wearing blue jeans and work boots. The reasoning I started with was that traditionally grooms wore suits or tuxes. I explained it helped the guests know who the lucky fellow was. That argument fell on deaf ears as did my explanation that jeans and work boots didn’t match a bride’s dress. What worked was when his father gave him money and said,

“Son, go buy a new suit, shirt, tie, and shoes. After all your getting married in a few days!” Thank you new father-in-law.

The wedding went off without a hitch. Except for that little hitch where the minister forgot to have us say,

“With this ring, I thee wed.”

Yep, he just completely skipped the ring part of the ceremony. The best man tried his best to remind the minister but he just carried on. He pronounced us “man and wife” and presented us to the congregation. We walked up the aisle as everyone congratulated us only to turn right back around and have the ring thing accomplished. I think we would have been married anyway but the best man wanted his job completed correctly.

The reception also went off without a hitch. Except for that little hitch when we were doing that tradition of cutting the cake together and then giving each other a piece. I got a little enthusiastic and shoved the cake down my new hubby’s throat. He gagged a bit but stopped short of vomiting or passing out. I guess I should have practiced feeding someone cake.

After we left the reception, Herman took off his new suit of clothes, threw them in a garbage bag and changed into his normal garb of blue jeans and work boots. I hung my wedding dress up but changed into jeans too. We climbed into the cab of our brand new pick-up truck and started our new life together as husband and wife.

We both had our own ideas about the role of a spouse. My husband’s was a bit more defined in his mind than my own. Most were never discussed before we said “I do.” But it didn’t take long for Herman to  make clear what he wanted in a wife.

The first thing was he would never get a divorce. He explained it this way,

“I have a gun cabinet full of divorce certificates.”

I replied, “I know how to shoot too.”

So that was settled. No divorce. Murder but not divorce. So far our marriage was going well.

Next he declared his wife would never work outside our home and our children would go to school at home. Okay, I didn’t have an answer for that so I let it slide.

When we married, both Herman and I smoked cigarettes. I smoked Salems and he was a Marlboro Man. So when I ran out of cigarettes I asked my new hubby to please stop and let me buy some Salems.

That’s when I heard the last declaration of what he expected of his new wife. He looked me in the eye and said,

“My wife is not going to smoke.”

Incredulous I asked, “How will you stop me?”

Obviously he had a plan because he answered without hesitation. He said,

“I won’t buy any more Salems for you.”

But what we both hadn’t realized until then was we were pretty well matched. I also looked him in the eye and stated,

“That’s fine. I just switched to Marlboros.”

And from then on my Marlboro Man had to share ’cause I wasn’t quitting till I wanted to.

It’s important to note that we both got smart and quit smoking a couple of years later.